1.con.Chapter14:It’snotjustfighting.Byalmostanymeasure,Americanworking-classfamiliesexperiencealevelofinstabilityunseenelsewhereintheworld.Consider,forinstance,Mom’srevolvingdooroffatherfigures.Noothercountryexperiencesanythinglikethis.InFrance,thepercentageofchildrenexposedtothreeormorematernalpartnersis0.5percent—aboutoneintwohundred.Thesecondhighestshareis2.6percent,inSweden,oraboutoneinforty.IntheUnitedStates,thefigureisashocking8.2percent—aboutoneintwelve—andthefigureisevenhigherintheworkingclass.Themostdepressingpartisthatrelationshipinstability,likehomechaos,isaviciouscycle.AssociologistsPaulaFornbyandAndrewCherlinfound,a“growingbodyofliteraturesuggeststhatchildrenwhoexperiencemultipletransitionsinfamilystructuremayfareworsedevelopmentallythanchildrenraisedinstabletwo-parentfamiliesandperhapseventhanchildrenraisedinstable,single-parentfamilies.”Formanykids,thefirstimpulseisescape,butpeoplewholurchtowardtheexitrarelychoosetherightdoor.
2.Thisishowmyauntfoundherselfmarriedatsixteentoanabusivehusband.It’showmymom,thesalutatorianofherhighschoolclass,hadbothababyandadivorce,butnotasinglecollegecreditunderherbeltbeforeherteenageyearswereover.Outofthefryingpanandintothefire.Chaosbegetschaos.Instabilitybegetsinstability.WelcometofamilylifefortheAmericanhillbilly.Forme,understandingmypastandknowingthatIwasn’tdoomedgavemethehopeandfortitudetodealwiththedemonsofmyyouth.Andthoughit’scliche,thebestmedicinewastalkingaboutitwiththepeoplewhounderstood.IaskedAuntWeeifshehadsimilarrelationshipexperiences,andsheansweredalmostreflexively:“Ofcourse.IwasalwaysreadyforbattlewithDan,”shetoldme.“SometimesI’devenbracemyselfforabigargument—likephysicallyputmyselfinafightingposition—beforehestoppedspeaking.”Iwasshocked.AuntWeeandDanhavethemostsuccessfulmarriageI’veseen.Evenaftertwentyyears,theyinteractliketheystarteddatinglastyear.Hermarriagegotevenbetter,shesaid,onlyaftersherealizedthatshedidn’thavetobeonguardallthetime.
4.ThesadfactisthatIcouldn’tdoitwithoutUsha.Evenatmybest,I’madelayedexplosion—Icanbedefused,butonlywithskillandprecision.It’snotjustthatI’velearnedtocontrolmyselfbutthatUshahaslearnedhowtomanageme.Puttwoofmeinthesamehomeandyouhaveapositivelyradioactivesituation.It’snosurprisethateverysinglepersoninmyfamilywhohasbuiltasuccessfulhome—AuntWee,Lindsay,mycousinGail—marriedsomeonefromoutsideourlittleculture.ThisrealizationshatteredthenarrativeItoldaboutmylife.Inmyownhead,Iwasbetterthanmypast.Iwasstrong.IlefttownassoonasIcould,servedmycountryintheMarines,excelledatOhioState,andmadeittothecountry’stoplawschool.Ihadnodemons,nocharacterflaws,noproblems.Butthatjustwasn’ttrue.ThethingsIwantedmostintheentireworld—ahappypartnerandahappyhome—requiredconstantmentalfocus.Myself-imagewasbitternessmasqueradingasarrogance.
5.Afewweeksintomysecondyearoflawschool,Ihadn’tspokentoMominmanymonths,longerthanatanypointinmylife.IrealizedthatofalltheemotionsIfelttowardmymother—love,pity,forgiveness,anger,hatred,anddozensofothers—Ihadnevertriedsympathy.Ihadnevertriedtounderstandmymom.Atmymostempathetic,Ifiguredshesufferedfromsometerriblegeneticdefect,andIhopedIhadn’tinheritedit.AsIincreasinglysawMom’sbehaviorinmyself,Itriedtounderstandher.UncleJimmytoldmethat,longago,he’dwalkedinonadiscussionbetweenMamawandPapaw.Momhadgottenherselfinsometroubleandtheyneededtobailherout.Thesebailoutswerecommon,andtheyalwayscamewiththeoreticalstringsattached.Shehadtobudget,they’dtellher,andthey’dputheronsomearbitraryplanthey’ddesignedthemselves.Theplanwasthecostoftheirhelp.Astheysatanddiscussedthings,PapawburiedhisheadinhishandsanddidsomethingUncleJimmyhadneverseenhimdo:Hewept.“I’vefailedher,”hecried.Hekeptonrepeating,“I’vefailedher;I’vefailedher;I’vefailedmybabygirl.”
6.Papaw’srarebreakdownstrikesattheheartofanimportantquestionforhillbillieslikeme:Howmuchofourlives,goodandbad,shouldwecredittoourpersonaldecisions,andhowmuchisjusttheinheritanceofourculture,ourfamilies,andourparentswhohavefailedtheirchildrenHowmuchisMom’slifeherownfaultWheredoesblamestopandsympathybeginAllofushaveopinions.UncleJimmyreactsviscerallytotheideathatanyoftheblameforMom’schoicescanbelaidatPapaw’sfeet.“Hedidn’tfailher.Whateverhappenedtoher,it’sherowndamnedfault.”AuntWeeseesthingsinmuchthesameway,andwhocanblameherJustnineteenmonthsyoungerthanMom,shesawtheworstofMamawandPapawandmadeherownshareofmistakesbeforecomingoutontheotherside.Ifshecandoit,thensoshouldMom.Lindsayhasabitmoresympathyandthinksthatjustasourlivesleftuswithdemons,Mom’slifemusthavedonethesametoher.Butatsomepoint,Lindsaysays,youhavetostopmakingexcusesandtakeresponsibility.
7.Myownviewismixed.Whatevermightbesaidaboutmymom’sparents’rolesinmylife,theirconstantfightingandalcoholismmusthavetakenitstollonher.Evenwhentheywerechildren,thefightingseemedtoaffectmyauntandmotherdifferently.WhileAuntWeewouldpleadwithherparentstocalmdown,orprovokeherfatherinordertotaketheheatoffhermother,Momwouldhide,orrunaway,orcollapseonthefloorwithherhandsoverherears.Shedidn’thandleitaswellasherbrotherandsister.Insomeways,MomistheVancechildwholostthegameofstatistics.Ifanything,myfamilyisprobablyluckythatonlyoneofthemlostthatgame.WhatIdoknowisthatMomisnovillain.ShelovesLindsayandme.Shetrieddesperatelytobeagoodmother.Sometimesshesucceeded;sometimesshedidn’t.Shetriedtofindhappinessinloveandwork,butshelistenedtoomuchtothewrongvoiceinherhead.ButMomdeservesmuchoftheblame.Noperson’schildhoodgiveshimorheraperpetualmoralget-out-of-jail-freecard—notLindsay,notAuntWee,notme,andnotMom.
8.Throughoutmylife,noonecouldinspiresuchintenseemotionsasmymom,notevenMamaw.WhenIwasakid,Ilovedhersomuchthatwhenakindergartenclassmatemadefunofherumbrella,Ipunchedhimintheface.WhenIwatchedhersuccumbagainandagaintoaddiction,IhatedherandwishedsometimesthatshewouldtakeenoughnarcoticstoridmeandLindsayofherforgood.Whenshelaysobbinginbedafteranotherfailedrelationship,Ifeltaragethatcouldhavedrivenmetokill.Towardtheendoflawschool,LindsaycalledtotellmethatMomhadtakentoanewdrug—heroin—andhaddecidedtogiverehabanothertry.Ididn’tknowhowmanytimesMomhadbeentorehab,howmanynightsshe’dspentinthehospitalbarelyconsciousbecauseofsomedrug.SoIshouldn’thavebeensurprisedorallthatbothered,but“heroin”justhasacertainringtoit;it’sliketheKentuckyDerbyofdrugs.WhenIlearnedofMom’snewestsubstanceofchoice,Ifeltacloudhangingovermeforweeks.MaybeIhadfinallylostallhopeforher.
9.TheemotionMominspiredthenwasnothatred,orlove,orrage,butfear.Fearforhersafety.FearforLindsayhavingtodealyetagainwithMom’sproblemswhileIlivedhundredsofmilesaway.FearmostofallthatIhadn’tescapedagoddamnedthing.MonthsawayfromgraduatingfromYaleLaw,Ishouldhavefeltontopoftheworld.Instead,IfoundmyselfwonderingthesamethingI’dwonderedformuchofthepastyear:whetherpeoplelikeuscanevertrulychange.WhenUshaandIgraduated,thecrewthatwatchedmewalkacrossthestagenumberedeighteen,includingmycousinsDeniseandGail,thedaughters,respectively,ofMamaw’sbrothersDavidandPet.Usha’sparentsanduncle—fantasticpeople,thoughconsiderablylessrowdythanourcrew—madethetrip,too.Itwasthefirsttimethatherfamilymetmine,andwebehaved.(ThoughDenisehadsomechoicewordsforthemodern“art”atthemuseumwevisited!)
10.Mom’sboutwithaddictionendedastheyalwaysdid—inanuneasytruce.Shedidn’tmakethetriptoseemegraduate,butshewasn’tusingdrugsatthatmoment,andthatwasallrightwithme.JusticeSonyaSotomayorspokeatourcommencementandadvisedthatitwasokaytobeunsureaboutwhatwewantedtodowithourselves.Ithinkshewastalkingaboutourcareers,butformeithadamuchbroadermeaning.IhadlearnedmuchaboutlawatYale.ButI’dalsolearnedthatthisnewworldwouldalwaysseemabitforeigntome,andthatbeingahillbillymeantsometimesnotknowingthedifferencebetweenloveandwar.Whenwegraduated,that’swhatIwasmostunsureabout.
12.Thewomanrunningthehotelthatnightwasthemostpitifulsightofall.Shemighthavebeenforty,buteverythingabouther—fromthelong,gray,greasyhair,themouthemptyofteeth,andthefrownthatsheworelikeamillstone—screamedoldage.Thiswomanhadlivedahardlife.Hervoicesoundedlikeasmallchild’s,evenatoddler’s.Itwasmeek,barelyaudible,andverysad.Igavethewomanmycreditcard,andshewasclearlyunprepared.“Normally,peoplepaycash,”sheexplained.Itoldher,“Yeah,butlikeIsaidonthephone,I’mgoingtopaywithacreditcard.IcanruntoanATMifyou’dprefer.”“Oh,I’msorry,IguessIforgot.Butit’sokay,we’vegotoneofthosemachinesaroundheresomewhere.”Sosheretrievedoneofthoseancientcard-swipingmachines—thekindthatimprintsthecard’sinformationonayellowslipofpaper.WhenIhandedherthecard,hereyesseemedtopleadwithme,asifshewereaprisonerinherownlife.“Enjoyyourstay,”shesaid,whichstruckmeasanoddinstruction.Ihadtoldheronthephonenotanhourearlierthattheroomwasn’tforme,itwasformyhomelessmother.“Okay,”Isaid.“Thanks.”
13.IwasarecentgraduateofYaleLawSchool,aformereditoroftheprestigiousYaleLawJournal,andamemberofthebaringoodstanding.Justtwomonthsearlier,UshaandIweremarriedonabeautifuldayinEasternKentucky.Myentirefamilyshowedupfortheoccasion,andwebothchangedournametoVance—givingme,finally,thesamenameasthefamilytowhichIbelonged.Ihadanicejob,arecentlypurchasedhome,alovingrelationship,andahappylifeinacityIloved—Cincinnati.UshaandIhadreturnedthereforayearafterlawschoolforone-yearclerkshipsandhadbuiltahomewithourtwodogs.Iwasupwardlymobile.Ihadmadeit.IhadachievedtheAmericanDream.Oratleastthat’showitlookedtoanoutsider.Butupwardmobilityisneverclean-cut,andtheworldIleftalwaysfindsawaytoreelmebackin.Idon’tknowtheprecisechainofeventsthatledmetothathotel,butIknewthestuffthatmattered.Momhadbegunusingagain.She’dstolensomefamilyheirloomsfromherfifthhusbandtobuydrugs(prescriptionopiates,Ithink),andhe’dkickedheroutofthehouseinresponse.Theyweredivorcing,andshehadnowheretogo.
15.I’dliketosaythathelpingMomcameeasily.ThatIhadmadesomepeacewithmypastandwasabletofixaproblemthathadplaguedmesinceelementaryschool.That,armedwithsympathyandanunderstandingofMom’schildhood,IwasabletopatientlyhelpMomdealwithheraddiction.Butdealingwiththatsleazymotelwashard.Andactivelymanagingherfinances,asIplannedtodo,requiredmorepatienceandtimethanIhad.BythegraceofGod,InolongerhidefromMom.ButIcan’tfixeverything,either.ThereisroomnowforbothangeratMomforthelifeshechoosesandsympathyforthechildhoodshedidn’t.ThereisroomtohelpwhenIcan,whenfinancesandemotionalreservesallowmetocareinthewayMomneeds.ButthereisalsorecognitionofmyownlimitationsandmywillingnesstoseparatemyselffromMomwhenengagementmeanstoolittlemoneytopaymyownbillsortoolittlepatienceleftoverforthepeoplewhomattermost.That’stheuneasytruceI’vestruckwithmyself,anditworksfornow.
18.IassumedthatGailhadinheritedherstorybooklifefromherparents.Noone’sthatnice,Ithought,especiallynotsomeonewho’ssufferedanyrealadversity.ButGailwasaBlanton,and,atheartahillbilly,andIshouldhaveknownthatnohillbillymakesittoadulthoodwithoutafewmajorscrewupsalongtheway.Gail’shomelifeprovideditsownemotionalbaggage.Shewassevenwhenherdadwalkedoutandseventeenwhenshegraduatedfromhighschool,planningforcollegeatMiamiUniversity.Buttherewasacatch:“MomtoldmeIcouldn’tgotocollegeunlessIbrokeupwithmyboyfriend.SoImovedoutthedayaftergraduation,andbyAugust,Iwaspregnant.”Almostimmediately,herlifebegantodisintegrate.Racialprejudicebubbledtothesurfacewhensheannouncedthatablackbabywasjoiningthefamily.Announcementsledtoarguments,andthenonedayGailfoundherselfwithoutafamily.“Ididn’thearfromanyofourrelatives,”Gailtoldme.“Mymomsaidsheneverwantedtohearmynameagain.”
19.Givenherageandthelackoffamilysupport,it’shardlysurprisingthathermarriagesoonended.ButGail’slifehadgrownconsiderablymorecomplex:Shehadn’tjustlostherfamily,she’dgainedayoungdaughterwhodependedentirelyonher.“Itcompletelychangedmylife—beingamomwasmyidentity.Imighthavebeenahippie,butnowIhadrules—nodrugs,noalcohol,nothingthatwasgoingtoleadtosocialservicestakingmybabyaway.”Sohere’sGail:teenagesinglemom,nofamily,littlesupport.Alotofpeoplewouldwiltinthosecircumstances,butthehillbillytookover.“Dadwasn’treallyaround,”Gailremembered,“andhadn’tbeeninyears,andIobviouslywasn’tspeakingtoMom.ButIremembertheonelessonItookfromthem,andthatwasthatwecoulddoanythingwewanted.Iwantedthatbaby,andIwantedtomakeitwork.SoIdidit.”Shegotajobwithalocaltelephonecompany,workedherwayuptheladder,andevenreturnedtocollege.Bythetimesheremarried,shehadhitonehellofastride.Thestorybookmarriagetohersecondhusband,Allan,isjusticingonthecake.
20.SomeversionofGail’sstoryoftenrearsitsheadwhereIgrewup.Youwatchasteenagersfindthemselvesindirestraits,sometimesoftheirownmakingandsometimesnot.Thestatisticsarestackedhighagainstthem,andmanysuccumb:tocrimeoranearlydeathatworst,domesticstrifeandwelfaredependencyatbest.Butothersmakeit.There’sJaneRex.There’sLindsay,whoblossomedinthemidstofMamaw’sdeath;AuntWee,whoputherlifeontrackafterditchinganabusivehusband.Eachbenefitedfromthesametypesofexperiencesinonewayoranother.Theyhadafamilymembertheycouldcounton.Andtheysaw—fromafamilyfriend,anuncle,oraworkmentor—whatwasavailableandwhatwaspossible.NotlongafterIbeganthinkingaboutwhatmighthelptheAmericanworkingclassgetahead,ateamofeconomists,includingRajChetty,publishedagroundbreakingstudyonopportunityinAmerica.Unsurprisingly,theyfoundthatapoorkid’schancesofrisingthroughtheranksofAmerica’smeritocracywerelowerthanmostofuswanted.
23.Thathopepannedout—Momdidn’tgotojail,andIgottostaywithMamaw.Thearrangementwasinformal:IcouldstaywithMomifIwanted,butifnot,Mamaw’sdoorwasalwaysopen.Theenforcementmechanismwasequallyinformal:Mamawwouldkillanyonewhotriedtokeepmefromher.ThisworkedforusbecauseMamawwasalunaticandourentirefamilyfearedher.Noteveryonecanrelyonthesavinggracesofacrazyhillbilly.Childservicesare,formanykids,thelastpiecesofthesafetynet;iftheyfallthrough,preciouslittleremainstocatchthem.Partoftheproblemishowstatelawsdefinethefamily.Forfamilieslikemine—andformanyblackandHispanicfamilies—grandparents,cousins,aunts,andunclesplayanoutsizerole.Childservicesoftencutthemoutofthepicture,astheydidinmycase.Somestatesrequireoccupationallicensingforfosterparents—justlikenursesanddoctors—evenwhenthewould-befosterparentisagrandmotheroranotherclosefamilymember.Inotherwords,ourcountry’ssocialservicesweren’tmadeforhillbillyfamilies,andtheyoftenmakeabadproblemworse.
26.Ontheotherhand,hesaid,“putthelower-incomekidswiththosewhohaveadifferentlifestylemodel,andthelower-incomekidsstarttoriseup.”YetwhenMiddletownrecentlytriedtolimitthenumberofSection8vouchersofferedwithincertainneighborhoods,thefederalgovernmentbalked.Better,Isuppose,tokeepthosekidscutofffromthemiddleclass.Governmentpolicymaybepowerlesstoresolveotherproblemsinourcommunity.Asachild,Iassociatedaccomplishmentsinschoolwithfemininity.Manlinessmeantstrength,courage,awillingnesstofight,and,later,successwithgirls.Boyswhogotgoodgradeswere“sissies”or“faggots.”Idon’tknowwhereIgotthisfeeling.CertainlynotfromMamaw,whodemandedgoodgrades,norfromPapaw.Butitwasthere,andstudiesnowshowthatworking-classboyslikemedomuchworseinschoolbecausetheyviewschoolworkasafeminineendeavor.CanyouchangethiswithanewlaworprogramProbablynot.Somescalesaren’tthatamenabletotheproverbialthumb.
28.Theotherdriver’ssinwastoinsultmyhonor,anditwasonthathonorthatnearlyeveryelementofmyhappinessdependedasachild—itkepttheschoolbullyfrommessingwithme,connectedmetomymotherwhensomemanorhischildreninsultedher(evenifIagreedwiththesubstanceoftheinsult),andgavemesomething,howeversmall,overwhichIexercisedcompletecontrol.Forthefirsteighteenorsoyearsofmylife,standingdownwouldhaveearnedmeaverballashingasa“pussy”ora“wimp”ora“girl.”Theobjectivelycorrectcourseofactionwassomethingthatthemajorityofmylifehadtaughtmewasrepulsivetoanupstandingyoungman.ForafewhoursafterIdidtherightthing,Isilentlycriticizedmyself.Butthat’sprogress,rightBetterthatthansittinginajailcellforteachingthatassholealessonaboutdefensivedriving.
29.Conclusion:ShortlybeforeChristmaslastyear,Istoodinthekids’sectionofaWashington,D.C.,Walmart,shoppinglistinhand,gazingattoysandtalkingmyselfoutofeachofthem.Thatyear,Ihadvolunteeredto“adopt”aneedychild,whichmeantthatIwasgivenalistbythelocalbranchoftheSalvationArmyandtoldtoreturnwithabagofunwrappedChristmasgifts.Itsoundsprettysimple,butImanagedtofindfaultwithnearlyeverysuggestion.PajamasPoorpeopledon’twearpajamas.Wefallasleepinourunderwearorbluejeans.Tothisday,Ifindtheverynotionofpajamasanunnecessaryeliteindulgence,likecaviarorelectricicecubemakers.TherewasatoyguitarthatIthoughtlookedbothfunandenriching,butIrememberedtheelectronickeyboardmygrandparentshadgivenmeoneyearandhowoneofMom’sboyfriendsmeanlyorderedmeto“shutthatfuckingthingup.”Ipassedonlearningaidsforfearofappearingcondescending.EventuallyIsettledonsomeclothes,afakecellphone,andfiretrucks.
30.Igrewupinaworldwhereeveryoneworriedabouthowthey’dpayforChristmas.NowIliveinonewhereopportunitiesaboundforthewealthyandprivilegedtoshowertheirgenerosityonthecommunity’spoor.Manyprestigiouslawfirmssponsoran“angelprogram,”whichassignsachildtoalawyerandprovidesawishlistofgifts.Usha’sformercourthouseencouragedjudicialemployeestoadoptakidfortheholidays—eachachildofsomeonewhopreviouslywentthroughthecourtsystem.Programcoordinatorshopedthatifsomeoneelsepurchasedpresents,thechild’sparentsmightfeellesstemptedtocommitcrimesinordertoprovide.Andthere’salwaysToysforTots.DuringthepastfewChristmasseasons,I’vefoundmyselfinlargedepartmentstores,buyingtoysforkidsI’venevermet.
31.AsIshop,I’mremindedthatwhereverIfellontheAmericansocioeconomicladderasachild,othersoccupymuchlowerrungs:childrenwhocannotdependonthegenerosityofgrandparentsforChristmasgifts;parentswhosefinancialsituationsaresodirethattheyrelyoncriminalconduct—ratherthanpaydayloans—toputtoday’shottoysunderthetree.Thisisaveryusefulexercise.Asscarcityhasgivenwaytoplentyinmyownlife,thesemomentsofretailreflectionforcemetoconsiderjusthowluckyIam.Still,shoppingforlow-incomekidsremindsmeofmychildhoodandofthewaysthatChristmasgiftscanserveasdomesticlandmines.EveryyeartheparentsinmyneighborhoodwouldbeginanannualritualverydifferentfromtheoneI’vebecomeaccustomedtoinmynewmaterialcomfort:worryingabouthowtogivetheirkidsa“niceChristmas,”withnicenessalwaysdefinedbythebountyunderneaththeChristmastree.IfyourfriendscameovertheweekbeforeChristmasandsawabarrenfloorbeneaththetree,youwouldofferajustification.
34.IassumedthatrichpeoplecelebratedChristmasjustlikeus,perhapswithfewerfinancialworriesandevencoolerpresents.YetInoticedaftermycousinBonniewasbornthatChristmastimeatAuntWee’shousehadadecidedlydifferentflavor.Somehowmyauntanduncle’schildrenendedupwithmorepedestriangiftsthanIhadcometoexpectasachild.Therewasnoobsessionwithmeetingatwo-orthree-hundred-dollarthresholdforeachchild,noworrythatakidwouldsufferintheabsenceofthenewestelectronicgadget.UshaoftenreceivedbooksforChristmas.MycousinBonnie,attheageofeleven,askedherparentstodonateherChristmasgiftstoMiddletown’sneedy.Shockingly,herparentsobliged:Theydidn’tdefinetheirfamily’sChristmasholidaybythedollarvalueofgiftstheirdaughteraccumulated.Howeveryouwanttodefinethesetwogroupsandtheirapproachtogiving—richandpoor;educatedanduneducated;upper-classandworking-class—theirmembersincreasinglyoccupytwoseparateworlds.
39.Publicpolicycanhelp,butthereisnogovernmentthatcanfixtheseproblemsforus.RecallhowmycousinMikesoldhismother’shouse—apropertythathadbeeninourfamilyforoveracentury—becausehecouldn’ttrusthisownneighborsnottoransackit.Mamawrefusedtopurchasebicyclesforhergrandchildrenbecausetheykeptdisappearing—evenwhenlockedup—fromherfrontporch.Shefearedansweringherdoortowardtheendofherlifebecauseanable-bodiedwomanwholivednextdoorwouldnotstopbotheringherforcash—money,welaterlearned,fordrugs.Theseproblemswerenotcreatedbygovernmentsorcorporationsoranyoneelse.Wecreatedthem,andonlywecanfixthem.Wedon’tneedtoliveliketheelitesofCalifornia,NewYork,orWashington,D.C.Wedon’tneedtoworkahundredhoursaweekatlawfirmsandinvestmentbanks.Wedon’tneedtosocializeatcocktailparties.WedoneedtocreateaspacefortheJ.D.sandBriansoftheworldtohaveachance.Idon’tknowwhattheansweris,precisely,butIknowitstartswhenwestopblamingObamaorBushorfacelesscompaniesandaskourselveswhatwecandotomakethingsbetter.
40.IwantedtoaskBrianwhether,likeme,hehadbaddreams.Fornearlytwodecades,Isufferedfromaterriblerecurringnightmare.Thefirsttimeitcametome,Iwasseven,fastasleepinmygreatMamawBlanton’sbed.Inthedream,I’mtrappedinlargeconferenceroominalargetreehouse—asiftheKeeblerelveshadjustfinishedamassivepicnicandtheirtreehousewerestilladornedwithdozensoftablesandchairs.I’mtherealonewithLindsayandMamaw,whenallofasuddenMomchargesthroughtheroom,tossingtablesandchairsasshegoes.Shescreams,buthervoiceisroboticanddistorted,asiffilteredthroughradiostatic.MamawandLindsayrunforaholeinthefloor—presumablytheexitladderfromthetreehouse.Ifallbehind,andbythetimeIreachtheexit,Momisjustbehindme.Iwakeup,rightasshe’sabouttograbme,whenIrealizenotjustthatthemonsterhascaughtmebutthatMamawandLindsayhaveabandonedme.
42.Igotoutofbedforaglassofcoldwater,andwhenIreturned,Casperwasstaringatme,wonderingwhatonearthhishumanwasdoingawakeatsuchanoddhour.Itwastwoo’clockinthemorning—probablyaboutthesametimeitwaswhenIfirstwokefromtheterrifyingdreamovertwentyyearsearlier.TherewasnoMamawtocomfortme.Butthereweremytwodogsonthefloor,andtherewastheloveofmylifelyinginbed.TomorrowIwouldgotowork,takethedogstothepark,buygrocerieswithUsha,andmakeanicedinner.ItwaseverythingIeverwanted.SoIpattedCasper’sheadandwentbacktosleep.
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