PriceSetlunch:￡15.90fortwocourses,￡19.90forthree.àlacarte,threecourseswithwineandcoffee:￡45-￡55
TRating4/10
Nothingtooshockingthere,Ihopeyou’llagree.Chefsandcriticsinevitablycomeintosocialcontact,andwhatkindofbiggirl’sblousewouldallowtheoddfreebietocompromisethecriticalfacultiesItisastheentrycontinuesthatthealarmbellsmaybecomeaudible.
“Towardstheendofsaiddinner,MrWhiteorderedadessertwine,”itwouldgoon,“aChateauD’Yquem,1871.”Ifthatnumberseemsunlikely—toclarify,afterthestyleoftheoldGrandstandvidiprinterspellingoutanoutlandishfootballscore,that’sEIGHTEENseventy-one–anothermaybemoresostill.Tothisdayitremainsthesourceofmaritaldispute(we’dalreadyhadafewthatnight)whetherthatwinewaspricedonthewinelistat￡24,000,￡26,000or￡28,000.
Tenyearslater,theguiltymemory(howcouldwedrinkitWhatwerewethinking)flashedtomindovera￡21.90bottleofmerlotatanewoutpostofWheeler’sofStJames’s.Thatvenerableseafoodrestaurantwasfoundedsome15yearsbeforemyYquemwasbottled;MPWandhispartnerSirRoccoForteareexpandingitintoachain,fashionablystrippedofthatstuffyold-schools-apostrophe-s.
TheinterveningdecadehasseenthegreatestchefBritaineverproducedeschewMichelinglorytostarinHell’sKitchen,advertisestockcubesonthetelly,andlendhisnameandexpertisetomid-marketrestaurantssuchasthis.HeadchefattheChequersInnisMPWprotegéNeilThornley,thoughhe’scookingsignatureMarcodishessuchasbellyporkMarcoPoloandWallyLadtrifle.
RuralSussex,asrepresentedbymyfriends,seemeddelightedbythejointaswesatdownforlunch.Sadtoreport,itwaslessthrilledbythetimeitstoodup.
Itwasn’tthediningroom,oneofseveralinahandsome,sprawlingconvertedpub,thatunthrilledit.Itwasn’teventhedecor.MPWhasfestoonedthewallswithcartoonsbyhislatefriendJakoftheLondonEveningStandardandcaricaturesoflovablepersonalities.WhetherAndrewLloydWebberisanidealimageforthenon-anorexicdinerisanopenquestion,butalargeandscarycaricatureofthecomposerdominatestheeyeline.
“Oh,it’slovelyhere,”enthusedoneofusasshetookinJak’svignettesofThaikick-boxinggirlsatStringfellows,ChrisEvansenteringtheGrouchoClubafterbeingsackedfromRadioOne,theQueenMotheremergingfromLadbrokes,andothergagsrenderedashadeopaquebythepassageoftime.“Forusbumpkins,thisislikegoingintotheWestEnd.Don’tknockit.”Iwon’t.It’sajollyspace,albeitlesscosythantheclubby,wood-panelledneighbouringrooms,inwhichtospend45minuteswaitingforbread(“It’sonitsway,”wewereassuredafterhalfanhour.“Yes,butfromwhere”camethemutter.“Ukraine”)Yettheservice,ifhaphazard,wasfriendlyenough;therealproblemslaywiththefood.
Anenticinglytraditionalistthree-coursesetlunch,at￡19.90,performedbetteronpaperthanoncrockery.
Thewarm“Mmm,lovethecreaminess”thatgreetedafirstspoonfulofcrèmeduBarry(cauliflowersoup)wassoonamendedtoawintry“Nodepthofflavour.I’mboredtodeathwithit.”Mysoftroes“àl’anglaise”werebeautifullyfried,andthemuslinwrappingthehalflemonwasaneleganttouchforacheapomenu;butthetastewasbitterandclinical.
Someofus-andastheone-timedrinkerofgrand-a-gulpYquem,Icannotcondemnthisprofligacystronglyenough–wentàlacarte,butdidlittlebetter.MorecambeBaypottedshrimpswereproperlybutteryandpepperybutwildlyundersalted,andkipperpatéwasfreezingcoldandpredictable.
“Youknowwhatthisis”saidamanwithconnectionswhonowandthenflyhimacrosstheAtlanticinstyle.“ThisisBritishAirwaysfirst-classcabinfood.”
MyLancashirehotpotwithgoodpickledredcabbagehadaclearedgeoveraBAeconomysandwich,despitethethingravyandclumpingtoplayerofslicedpotato,and“goujonettes”ofDoversole(ratherbigger,weirdly,thangoujons),were“perfectlyfine…butthenIlikeblandbabyfood”.However,braisedoxtailandkidneypudding(àlacarte)drewabemused:“Notashredofflavour.”EquallyblandwasRomneySaltMarshlamb,whichwas“beautifullytender,butbarelyseasonedatall”.
Thepuddings,despitethelackofliquidaccompaniment,werebrilliant.“Notuptomuchearlydoors,darlings,”saidoneofustheatricallyashegotstuckintoanoutstandingBananaMess,“butActThreealmostrescuestheproduction.”Hewasright.Breadandbutterpuddingwasadelicate,cinnamonymasterpiece,andcrèmebrléeflawless.“Almost…”
BringingadashofWestEndglitztothecountrysideisnobleandcommerciallysound.Butthedevilisinthedetail,andifoneofhisHell’sKitchenimpsservedupsuchpre-pudsloppiness,whateverMPWmightbetemptedtodowithacorkscrewbywayofresponsewouldn’tinvolvetheopeningofan1871ChateauD’Yquem.