So,askingforhelpisbasicallytheworst,rightI'veactuallyneverseenitononeofthosetoptenlistsofthingspeoplefear,likepublicspeakinganddeath,butI'mprettysureitactuallybelongsthere.Eventhoughinmanywaysit'sfoolishforustobeafraidtoadmitweneedhelp,whetherit'sfromalovedoneorafriendorfromacoworkerorevenfromastranger,somehowitalwaysfeeljustalittlebituncomfortableandembarrassingtoactuallyaskforhelp,whichis,ofcourse,whymostofustrytoavoidaskingforhelpwheneverhumanlypossible.
求助可以说是最糟糕的事了，对吗？它却没有被列入人们最害怕的十大事物之中，比如公众演讲和死亡，但我非常确定它属于这类事物。尽管不愿承认我们需要帮助是愚蠢的，无论是向爱人，朋友，同事，甚至陌生人求助。求助总会让我们感到有点不适和尴尬，当然，这也是我们大多数人尽可能避免求助的原因。
Myfatherwasoneofthoselegionsoffatherswho,Iswear,wouldratherdrivethroughanalligator-infestedswampthanactuallyasksomeoneforhelpgettingbacktotheroad.WhenIwasakid,wetookafamilyvacation.WedrovefromourhomeinSouthJerseytoColonialWilliamsburg.AndIrememberwegotreallybadlylost.MymotherandIpleadedwithhimtopleasejustpulloverandasksomeonefordirectionsbacktothehighway,andheabsolutelyrefused,and,infact,assuredusthatwewerenotlost,hehadjustalwayswantedtoknowwhatwasoverhere.
我父亲就是那“父亲军团”的一员，我发誓，他宁愿开车穿过鳄鱼出没的沼泽，也不愿意找人帮助他开回大路。我记得小时候有一次全家出去度假。从位于南新泽西州的家驱车前往前殖民地威廉斯堡。我记得我们完全迷路了。我和妈妈恳求他把车停在路边，向别人询问回高速公路的路，他直接拒绝了，事实上他向我们保证他没有迷路，他只是想四处看看。
Soifwe'regoingtoaskforhelp--andwehaveto,wealldo,practicallyeveryday--theonlywaywe'regoingtoevenbegintogetcomfortablewithitistogetgoodatit,toactuallyincreasethechancesthatwhenyouaskforhelpfromsomeone,they'reactuallygoingtosayyes.Andnotonlythat,butthey'regoingtofinditactuallysatisfyingandrewardingtohelpyou,becausethatway,they'llbemotivatedtocontinuetohelpyouintothefuture.
因此如果我们要求助——这是我们几乎每天都会做，而且需要做的——我们适应它的方法是变得善于求助，去增加我们求助时别人答应帮助的概率。不仅如此，他们还会发现自己能够在帮助我们的过程中获得满足和回报，因此他们就有动力继续在将来帮助我们。
SoresearchthatIandsomeofmycolleagueshavedonehasshedalotoflightonwhyitisthatsometimespeoplesayyestoourrequestsforhelpandwhysometimestheysayno.Nowletmejuststartbysayingrightnow:ifyouneedhelp,youaregoingtohavetoaskforit.Outloud.OKWeall,tosomeextent,sufferfromsomethingthatpsychologistscall"theillusionoftransparency"--basically,themistakenbeliefthatourthoughtsandourfeelingsandourneedsarereallyobvioustootherpeople.Thisisnottrue,butwebelieveit.Andso,wejustmostlystandaroundwaitingforsomeonetonoticeourneedsandthenspontaneouslyoffertohelpuswithit.Thisisareally,reallybadassumption.Infact,notonlyisitverydifficulttotellwhatyourneedsare,buteventhepeopleclosetoyouoftenstruggletounderstandhowtheycansupportyou.
我和我同事做的一些研究对人们为什么有时会伸出援手，有时候则不，提供了一些解释。现在让我们进入主题：如果我们需要帮助，我们就得开口。大声说出来。可以吗？我们在某种程度上都有心理学家常说的“被洞悉错觉”——这说的是我们的一种错觉，我们总觉得自己的思想、感觉和需要对他人而言很明显。事实并非如此，但我们相信这点。所以我们只是干等在那儿，等待有人注意到我们的需求，然后主动提出帮助我们。这是一个非常糟糕的假设。事实上，不仅说出我们的需求很难，而且我们身边的人也往往琢磨不透应该如何支持我们。
Mypartnerhasactuallyhadtoadoptahabitofaskingmemultipletimesaday,"AreyouOKDoyouneedanything"becauseIamso,sobadatsignalingwhenIneedsomeone'shelp.Now,heismorepatientthanIdeserveandmuchmoreproactive,muchmore,abouthelpingthananyofushaveanyrighttoexpectotherpeopletobe.Soifyouneedhelp,you'regoingtohavetoaskforit.Andbytheway,evenwhensomeonecantellthatyouneedhelp,howdotheyknowthatyouwantitDidyouevertrytogiveunsolicitedhelptosomeonewho,itturnsout,didnotactuallywantyourhelpinthefirstplaceTheygetnastyrealquick,don'tthey
我的伴侣不得不养成一个习惯，每天问我很多次，“现在怎样？你需要什么吗？”因为在需要帮助时，我太不擅长发出信号。现在，他给予了我更多耐心，更积极主动，更乐于助人，我们通常没有权利要求别人这样对我们。所以如果我们需要帮助，我们必须开口。另外，即便有人看出来我们需要帮助，他们怎么知道我们需要什么？大家有没有试过主动帮助别人，结果人家根本就不想让你帮？他们很快就会厌恶，对吧？
Theotherday--truestory--myteenagedaughterwasgettingdressedforschool,andIdecidedtogivehersomeunsolicitedhelpaboutthat.
这是个真实的故事——前些天，我十几岁的女儿穿好衣服准备上学，我决定自发地给她一些帮助。
Ihappentothinkshelooksamazinginbrightercolors.Shetendstoprefersortofdarker,moreneutraltones.AndsoIsaid,veryhelpfully,thatIthoughtmaybeshecouldgobackupstairsandtrytofindsomethingalittlelesssomber.
我碰巧觉得她穿亮色衣服好看。但她通常喜欢偏深、中性的色调。于是我试着说，也许她可以回到楼上，试着找件颜色不那么阴沉的衣服穿。
So,iflookscouldkill,Iwouldnotbestandinghererightnow.Wereallycan'tblameotherpeoplefornotjustspontaneouslyofferingtohelpuswhenwedon'tactuallyknowthatthat'swhatiswanted.Infact,actually,researchshowsthat90percentofthehelpthatcoworkersgiveoneanotherintheworkplaceisinresponsetoexplicitrequestsforhelp.Soyou'regoingtohavetosaythewords"Ineedyourhelp."RightThere'snogettingaroundit.
如果眼神能杀人的话，我现在就不会站在这里了。我们不能责怪别人不主动帮助我们，特别是当对方不知道我们需要什么时。事实上，研究显示工作时同事之间百分之九十的帮助是响应明确的求助请求的。所以我们得说：“我需要你的帮助“。这是无法回避的。
Now,tobegoodatit,tomakesurethatpeopleactuallydohelpyouwhenyouaskforit,thereareafewotherthingsthatareveryhelpfultokeepinmind.
想要做好它，确保当我们寻求帮助时，人们会帮我们，请记住一些非常有用的做法。
第一点：当我们求助时，一定要准确地阐述我们要的帮助和原因。含糊、间接的求助对于帮助者其实不是很有用，不是吗？他们的确不知道我们想得到的帮助是什么，同样重要的是，他们不知道是否能够成功帮助我们。没人想帮倒忙。大家或许像我一样，在领英收到过来自非常友好的陌生人的邀请，这些人想做一些“喝杯咖啡、聊个天”或“向你请教一下”之类的事情。我每次都忽略这些请求。这并不是因为我不够友好。只是我不知道他们想从我这里得到什么，以及希望我能提供哪种帮助，我就不感兴趣。没人会有兴趣。如果他们能直接说出任何他们想从我这里获得的帮助，我就会更有兴趣，因为我很肯定他们有些具体的想法。所以要开口，“我想和你谈谈贵司有没有工作机会。”或“我想提出一个你一定会非常感兴趣的领域的联合研究项目。”或者，“我想听听你对读医学院的建议。”说实话，我不能帮助解决最后一个请求，因为我不是医生，但我可以指明谁可以提供帮助。
OK,secondtip.Thisisreallyimportant:pleaseavoiddisclaimers,apologiesandbribes.Really,reallyimportant.Doanyofthesesoundfamiliar
'I'mso,sosorrythatIhavetoaskyouforthis.""Ireallyhatebotheringyouwiththis.""IfIhadanywayofdoingthiswithoutyourhelp,Iwould."
“我非常、非常抱歉要请求你件事情”。“我真的非常不想麻烦你”。“如果没有你能做成这事的话，我一定会的”。
Sometimesitfeelslikepeoplearesoeagertoprovethatthey'renotweakandgreedywhentheyaskyourforhelp,they'recompletelymissingoutonhowuncomfortablethey'remakingyoufeel.Andbytheway--howamIsupposedtofinditsatisfyingtohelpyouifyoureallyhatedhavingtoaskmeforhelpAndwhileitisperfectly,perfectlyacceptabletopaystrangerstodothingsforyou,youneedtobevery,verycarefulwhenitcomestoincentivizingyourfriendsandcoworkers.Whenyouhavearelationshipwithsomeone,helpingoneanotherisactuallyanaturalpartofthatrelationship.It'showweshowoneanotherthatwecare.Ifyouintroduceincentivesorpaymentsintothat,whatcanhappenis,itstartstofeellikeitisn'tarelationship,it'satransaction.Andthatactuallyisexperiencedasdistancing,which,ironically,makespeoplelesslikelytohelpyou.Soaspontaneousgiftaftersomeonegivesyousomehelptoshowyourappreciationandgratitude--perfectlyfine.Anoffertopayyourbestfriendtohelpyoumoveintoyournewapartmentisnot.
有时候这让人感觉，他们是如此渴望去证明他们寻求帮助时，不是因为软弱和贪婪，但他们完全忽视了这样做会让我们感到不舒服。顺便问一句，如果他们讨厌求助我，我怎会觉得帮助他们是让我感到满足的事呢？虽然付费给陌生人帮我们做事情是完全可以接受的，当涉及到激励我们的朋友和同事时，我们要非常小心。如果我们跟某人关系很好,彼此帮助就是那段关系很自然的部分。这是我们展示关心彼此的方式。如果我们在这种关系中加入激励或者付费，会让人觉得这不是段关系，而是个交易。这其实会让人产生一种距离感，更讽刺的是，这反而会让人更不愿意帮助我们。所以，在别人帮助我们后，我们可以用更淳朴的礼物来表达感激之情——这样做就很好。付钱给帮我们搬进新公寓的朋友就不是好做法。
OK,thirdrule,andIreallymeanthisone:pleasedonotaskforhelpoveremailortext.Really,seriously,pleasedon't.Emailandtextareimpersonal.Irealizesometimesthere'snoalternative,butmostlywhathappensis,weliketoaskforhelpoveremailandtextbecauseitfeelslessawkwardforustodoso.YouknowwhatelsefeelslessawkwardoveremailandtextTellingyouno.Anditturnsout,there'sresearchtosupportthis.In-personrequestsforhelpare30timesmorelikelytogetayesthanarequestmadebyemail.Sowhensomethingisreallyimportantandyoureallyneedsomeone'shelp,makefacetimetomaketherequest,oruseyourphoneasaphone--
toaskforthehelpthatyouneed.
去寻求我们需要的帮助。
OK.Lastone,andthisisactuallyareally,reallyimportantoneandprobablytheonethatismostoverlookedwhenitcomestoaskingforhelp:whenyouasksomeonefortheirhelpandtheysayyes,followupwiththemafterward.There'sacommonmisconceptionthatwhat'srewardingabouthelpingistheactofhelpingitself.Thisisnottrue.Whatisrewardingabouthelpingisknowingthatyourhelplanded,thatithadimpact,thatyouwereeffective.IfIhavenoideahowmyhelpaffectedyou,howamIsupposedtofeelaboutit
好了。最后一点也非常重要，它可能是寻求帮助时最容易被忽视的一点：当我们寻求别人的帮助并得到肯定回答时，事后与他们保持联系。人们普遍有种误解，认为帮助别人的回报在于帮助本身。事实并非如此。帮助的回报是知道你的帮助落实了，它产生了影响，你的帮忙是有效的。如果我根本不知道我的帮助如何影响你，我对这帮助会有何感想？
Thishappened;Iwasauniversityprofessorformanyyears,Iwrotelotsandlotsoflettersofrecommendationforpeopletogetjobsortogointograduateschool.Andprobablyabout95percentofthem,Ihavenoideawhathappened.Now,howdoIfeelaboutthetimeandeffortItooktodothat,whenIreallyhavenoideaifIhelpedyou,ifitactuallyhelpedyougetthethingthatyouwantedInfact,thisideaoffeelingeffectiveispartofwhycertainkindsofdonorappealsareso,sopersuasive--becausetheyallowyoutoreallyvividlyimaginetheeffectthatyourhelpisgoingtohave.
TakesomethinglikeDonorsChoose.Yougoonline,youcanchoosetheindividualteacherbynamewhoseclassroomyou'regoingtobeabletohelpbyliterallybuyingthespecificitemsthey'verequested,likemicroscopesorlaptopsorflexibleseating.Anappeallikethatmakesitsoeasyformetoimaginethegoodthatmymoneywilldo,thatIactuallygetanimmediatesenseofeffectivenesstheminuteIcommittogiving.
比如DonorsChoose。我们在网上选择我们想给予帮助的教室的老师的名字。为他们购买他们请求的特定商品，比如显微镜、笔记本电脑和可调节高度的座椅。这就让我很容易想象我的钱将会起到的作用，在我做出捐赠的那一刻，就感觉有一种立竿见影的效果。
ButyouknowwhatelsetheydoTheyfollowup.Donorsactuallygetlettersfromthekidsintheclassroom.Theygetpictures.Theygettoknowthattheymadeadifference.Andthisissomethingweneedtoallbedoinginoureverydaylives,especiallyifwewantpeopletocontinuetogiveushelpoverthelongterm.Taketimetotellyourcolleaguethatthehelpthattheygaveyoureallyhelpedyoulandthatbigsale,orhelpedyougetthatinterviewthatyouwerereallyhopingtoget.Taketimetotellyourpartnerthatthesupporttheygaveyoureallymadeitpossibleforyoutogetthroughatoughtime.Taketimetotellyourcatsitterthatyou'resuperhappythatforsomereason,thistimethecatsdidn'tbreakanythingwhileyouwereaway,andsotheymusthavedoneareallygoodjob.
Thebottomlineis:Iknow--believeme,Iknow--thatitisnoteasytoaskforhelp.Weareallalittlebitafraidtodoit.Itmakesusfeelvulnerable.Buttherealityofmodernworkandmodernlifeisthatnobodydoesitalone.Nobodysucceedsinavacuum.Morethanever,weactuallydohavetorelyonotherpeople,ontheirsupportandcollaboration,inordertobesuccessful.
归根结底：相信我——我知道——寻求帮助并不容易。我们都有点害怕这样做。这让我们感到脆弱。但现代的工作和生活不是我们可以独自应对的。没人能独自成功。事实上，我们比以往更需要依靠他人，有了他们的支持和配合，我们才能成功。
Sowhenyouneedhelp,askforitoutloud.Andwhenyoudo,doitinawaythatincreasesyourchancesthatyou'llgetayesandmakestheotherpersonfeelawesomeforhavinghelpedyou,becauseyoubothdeserveit.
所以需要帮助时，大声说出来。用可以提高得到肯定回答概率的方法去做，另外，确保他人因为帮助我们而感到快乐，因为这是帮助者应得的。
Thankyou.
谢谢。
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